humor

The Adventures of Bugs and Mugs (Part 1)

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Once upon a time there were two young dragons. They were Bugs and her younger brother Mugs. They had dragon names of course but as dragons are loath to reveal their true name these will do for the time being. Bugs was a long, willowy dragon with pink and purple scales who is very inquisitive. Mugs is thicker though not as long as his older sister with red and gold scales. He is very energetic and loves to pounce on anyone and anything that he comes across.

One day Bugs awoke to the sounds of squealing.

“Oh dear, what has my brother pounced this time?” she said to herself as she hurried out of her cave to see what was happening.

As she moved into the main cavern structure she saw that she had been correct. There was Mugs, crouched on top of something, holding it down, his tail wagging in the air. He looked back at Bugs with a grin that was devoid of any guilt over the poor wriggling creature trapped beneath his talons.

“Bugsy, Bugsy. Look at what I catched.” Mugs exclaimed to Bugs using his pet name for her.

What Bugs saw was like no animal she’d seen before. It was uniquely colored with a mix of dark brown hide and shiny silver scales all over the body. There was also a shock of bright orange –red hair all over what seems like the head. It was a thick stocky creature that was just a little smaller than Mugs was. The oddest thing about it was the sounds that it was making. It almost sounded as if it was using words, though if they were words they were too difficult to understand between the low growling tones that kept being interrupted by bursts of high pitched squeals of what was either laughter or tears.

“Ach… Get off me, hee hee, ya beastie. Eeek! Oh lordy. Don’t, ahhh ha ha, eat me. Dwarves are, Gah, nothing but gristle.” Choked out the creature.

Mugs was laughing so hard that smoke and sparks began to escape his muzzle. This in turn seemed to spur the mysterious creatures’ howls and thrashing even more. This, of course, caused Mugs to laugh all the more fervently. It was a vicious cycle that was sure to lead to an unfortunate end. Most likely waking up Mom or Dad.

“Mugs! You know you aren’t supposed to eat creatures who can talk. Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.” pleaded Mugs to her brother.

At the mention of their parents Mugs calmed down visibly, albeit reluctantly.

“I’m not gonna eat it. I just wanted to pounce it. It did sneak into our cave when it wasn’t supposed to.” he replied somewhat guiltily before turning back to the poor creature upon which he was still standing.

“I’m not gonna eat you. Please be quiet before you wake up Mommy and Daddy and get us in trouble.”

With those words of reassurance, and possibly more so the cessation of the rain of sparks, the self-professed Dwarf stopped yelling and thrashing. He seemed to be mulling over the idea of “Mommy and Daddy” quite seriously. He attempted to speak and faltered multiple times before finally responding cautiously.

“So, ahh… you creatures can speak can you? Do you think you might, possibly see as to, perhaps, get off my chest. It isn’t as if I really mind but yer claws are scratching me breastplate which I may have borrowed from my brother… without telling him…

He trails off as he sees smoke begin to pour out from Bug’s nostrils and a narrowing of her eyes into irritated slits.

“Who are you calling creatures you, you, creature you. We are dragons, the best there is!” Bugs exclaims while rising to her full six foot height.

Wincing as Bugs gets louder and shriller throughout her outburst, the dwarf attempts to calm her down with flattery.

“Of course, of course most impressive of dragons. No need to be upset. You are quite correct. Compared to you, a mighty dragon such as yourself, I am but a lowly creature. I must have misspoke, clearly dazzled by your obvious brilliance. Well that and possibly from the lack of oxygen from having this fine young dragon perched upon my chest.”

Bugs wasn’t completely sure of everything the creature, or dwarf, was saying but she did think that it sounded properly apologetic so she relented.

“Well as long as you know your place I supposed I can forgive you.” She says. Then looking to her brother.

“Ok Mugs, let him up.” and then back to the dwarf.

“You better be good or I will let Mugs eat you.”

At that Mugs grins a toothy grin at the dwarf and says,

“Yeah. Betta be good or I gets to eat you.”

The dwarf shudders at this, then exhales a big creaky breath as the young dragon jumps off his chest.

“My thanks young dragon. Aside from a possible broken rib, that feels much better. That was quite the tackle earlier. I never saw you coming. You must be quite the hunter. I, by the way, am Carrack Axebreaker. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?” he asks with a bow.

The two young dragons look at the bowing dwarf and burst out laughing once more as if they have never seen anything so funny.

“Why do you have such long fur on your face but shiny scales on top?” Asked Bugs as she began tapping the poor dwarf on the top of his head with her talon only to get more excited to find it made a pretty ringing sound each time she tapped it. Mugs upon witnessing this couldn’t be left out. Soon both dragons were flanking the dwarf giggling and taking turns tapping him on what was fortunately for Carrack, a steel helm. Still, dwarves are not known for their patience.

“Cut it out ya wee beasti…” he catches himself before he goes too far and continues after deftly ducking away from the two dragons.

“I mean if you fine younglings could give me a moment. I am quite out of breath. If you would like to play with my helm I would be happy to let you see it.”

As he says this he slowly removes the helm from his head extending it out to the dragons, also exposing his bald, pink skull. Upon seeing this the two dragons jump away from him hissing, eyes wide in fear. Bugs, while obviously afraid, moves protectively in front of her brother.

“Bugsy, the dwarf to off his head and isn’t dead. It must be that bad magic Mama was telling us about. Make it go away.” Cried Mugs.

“Stay away from my brother Mr. dead dwarf. Mama and Papa will get you if you try to hurt us. Now shoo!” said Bugs

Poor Carrack was dumbfounded by this reaction.

“No, no. I am not dead you silly hatchlings. I am very much alive. This is just a helmet I wear on my head for protection. It is just armor I wear since I do not have the benefit of scales. Either way I am very much alive and have no interest in harming anyone.” He explains while continuing to hold the helm out in front of him so that the young dragons can see it.

Away from the initial scare Bugs’ natural curiosity begins to assert itself again. She begins to examine the helm more closely as does her brother when he realizes it is safe, eager to see what other tricks this new plaything has to offer. Bugs cautiously reaches out to tap the helm again and finds that the now empty helm rings out with a clearer tone to her delight. She is soon playing it like a bell.

Mugs seeing this has no interest in being left out and races past his sister and snatches it out of Carrack’s hand. He then proceeds to begin hitting it against the cave wall causing a loud clanging sound. Carrack winces with each impact and tries to interject over the din of the helm’s impacts, Mugs laughter, and the irritated scolding of Bugs.

“Mugs, stop that. I was playing with that first. Give it back now!” she yelled shrilly.

“Umm… my friends if you could be careful with that please? As I mentioned before it is not actually mine. You see I kinda borrowed it from me brother. Well when I say borrow… So I did not exactly ask before I took it. And besides we do not want to wake your parents, right? That was what you said.” He mentioned, hoping that this might calm the increasing racket coming from the young dragons.

For a moment he believes this is exactly what happens too as both Bugs and Mugs go quiet, looking rather cowed in his direction. But just as he begins to relax he sees a thick, smoke-like mist swirl around his feet and within seconds it hits. Dragon Fear. Carrack is barely able to turn but when he does he finds himself facing off with two enormous red eyes. They do not seem pleased. The last thing he hears before he passes out from the pressure of the dragon fear is Bug’s voice.

“Oh. We can’t play anymore Mr. Dwarf. Mama’s awake.”

Nullus Anxietas

 

A Younger Man’s Game (Part 4)

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So Bug and I have between us and the exit to the bar into the station hanger, and more importantly my ship, are a group of incensed, and possibly unhinged pirates. Bug and I could fight our way through but you know what? Frack that. That kinda fight is a younger man’s game. I’m too old, too tired, and too smart for that. Well, two outta three anyway.

” Hey Bug. Time to exit. Stage left,”

Upon hearing that the pirates let out an incredulous round of laughter as if I’ve told the funniest joke they’ve ever heard. Insults and taunts follow.

” The only way you are leaving old man is in a body bag. And when we’re done with you we’ll gut that little thief and toss it on the grill. I bet it’s tasty,”

“Yeah, you don’t have a chance of getting through this door. We’ll kill you first.

The taunts and laughter continue through the room with the exception of Bug who for the first time throughout this ordeal is completely still, looking wide eyed in my direction.

“Are you sure about that Mister Cash. Stage left?” she asks with a hint of a whine in her voice.

In answer I nod and pull my bandanna over my nose.

At this she sighs.” Ok Mister Cash, stage left. Bug ready.”  She begins adjusting her gems seemingly at random which begins a faints ripple around her body. Not that the pirates notice. They are still much amused with the idea of a decrepit old man and a flying rat getting by them. Well I guess I shouldn’t disappoint them.

I take one last look at my cigar and drop it at my feet snuffing it with a crunch under my boot. I call forth the power that my little cocktail lent me and look out at the assembled scumbags.

” Listen up you dirtbags, You have three seconds to let my friend and I walk out that exit untouched or we all will be leaving out of that one.” as I say this I point my magelock pistol at the portal looking out into deep space.

The laughing stops as the pirates as one get a pained, confused expression on their faces unsure, at first, of my meaning.

“One” I bellow to the now silent room.

The leader of the pirates is the first to understand.

“You think you you are going to put a hole in three feet of reinforced plasteel with that ancient pistol? It would take multiple shots from a plasma cannon just to make a dent. Stupid old fool. Kill him boys, but make it slow”

“Two” I shout back at his words. I begin muttering  under my breath, a purple glow begins to emanate from my eyes as well as along the barrel of my pistol.

“Hey boss, umm.. his eyes are glowing.” says one of the other pirates.

“I don’t care if he grows wings and has rainbows shooting out his ass. Kill them now!”  He screams, spittle flying from his lips.

The pirates charge.

“Three” I say.

I fire.

The gun discharges not in the usual barking sound of a gun but as more of a loud pop followed by an in rush of air. Then the mage round hits the wall and creates a perfect three foot in diameter circle in the hull of the station. I have lived a long life and had to do many things to keep myself that way. Aside from being handy with a gun I also am a technomancer. It helps level the playing field at my age.

With the creation of the hole Bug springs into action. She shoots out of the rafters like a tiny comet, a white corona now completely surrounding her. As she flies past me I grab onto her tail and dive through the hole. Bug’s race inhabits meteors and is at home in deep space. As for me I’ve made a few modifications to myself to be a little hardier than the usual outlaw. Sadly, it does not appear that the pirates can say the same as they tumble out into the blackness of space.

Within about a minute the station’s repair protocol goes into effect and the hole is sealed by an emergency plate. I’m going to owe Miguel big time for this.

I scan for my case and upon locking in on its locator I signal for Bug to fly to it. Upon reaching it I tap a button upon the handle and after a brief wait in the icy depths of space my trusty steed arrives. My onetime horse, and current ship, Shadowfax. I named her after a horse in a book my grandfather read me before we left Earth. She was a beautiful beast who has saved me more times than I can count so when age caught up to her who was I to not return the favor. I installed her as the AI to my ship a beautiful Corsair class which she helped pick out. Its not the biggest ship but it fast and has more than a few surprises. And now she races across the cosmos as she use to race across the plains.

We get on board and Bug immediately begins in on me at a mile a minute.

“Wow Mister Cash! When you said stage left you meant stage left. Bug no think you actually do stage left, but sure enough Mister Cash do stage left…”

I let her go on like that for a few minutes while I took care of checking in with the station and setting the nav coordinates for my next stop. The station is understandably upset but I don’t have time to deal with their bitching. I have Shadowfax jump us out of their and on our way. At that point I needed some peace.

“Now hush you little varmint. Now what in the blue hell were you doing in there. Why aren’t you back on the “She’s One of Ours”?” I asked, cutting her off midstream.

She stopped and looked at me as if I had just asked  the dumbest question she had ever heard.

“Mister Cash you know what Bug was doing there. Bug was following Mister Cash… Mister Cash get in no end of trouble without Bug.” she said in an exaggeratedly slow tone as if talking to a child. She pauses to consider something and then continues. “That and nothing fun ever happens when Mister Cash leaves so Bug figured that Mister Cash could use the company this time. Can Bug come with Mister Cash? Pleeease?” she asks looking up at me fluttering her big eyes at me.

Well what can I say? This trip was going to be nothing but trouble anyway, I might as well enjoy the company.

(Finished, for now)

Nullus Anxietas

A Younger Man’s Game (part 3)

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On the poker table the thugs were just at was a small pile off very familiar looking gems. No wonder Bug doesn’t just leave. She’s a smart little critter unless it has to do with those blasted gems. Then she’s as dull as her gems are shiny. It will probably be easier to deal with the pirates than try to get her to leave. Although it goes against my better judgment I should give them a chance to be reasonable.

“What do you want old… aarggh!” the pirate screams as I shoot him through the hand holding the knife. It hits the ground with an exaggerated clang that sounds all the louder for the deafening silence that has struck the room. What can I say? I am fast. This ain’t bragging, just the truth. I’ve made it seventy- five years and have yet to be beaten. That may change at any time but not now with this bunch. And they stand slack jawed in the realization of this truth. At least I have their complete attention.

“Now son, I am going to give you the opportunity to be reasonable. You will give my ship-mate back her jewels and let us walk out of here or you and your friends can continue to cause a ruckus and see what else you can lose. You’ve lost your hand for theft, if you continue your next transgression will be stupidity. I’ll leave you to guess where the next one is going. You have till I get my cigar lit to decide.”

As I pull the cigar out of my coat I look at the eyes watching me. Half are on me and the other is on the pirate I shot. Weird they almost seem more scared of him. Better finish this soon and get Bug out of here. I glance up at her only to see that she has already dropped to the table and grabbed her gems. Then just as quick is back up to the rafters looking back at the group with a wicked gleam in her eye. Damn again. As I light a match I call up to her hoping to forestall the inevitable.

“Bug, you got your gems now keep yer trap shut while we allow these gentlemen to decide what’s in their best interest.”

She gives me hope for a moment but Bug can’t help but mock those she feels inferior to her. And at last count that seems to include everyone in the known universe.

“Ok Mr. Cash. Bug no open Bug’s trap. Bug knows how to be quiet and wait for meanie scum to decide they scared of ancient Mr. Cash you. Bug feel bad for them. Old Mr. Cash you has them making the silly cloths around thems legs dirty and smelly. It’s ok meanie guys, you cannot help making mess of selves like newly hatched skreeps…”

“CLICK”

I look over to see the largest of the pirates step in front of the only exit and lock the door. The gangly pirate I shot is staring daggers from Bug to me. They are not the eyes of sane person. Weapons begin showing up in the hands of his crew. I guess I have their answer.

(to be continued)

Nullus Anxietas

A Younger Man’s Game (part 2)

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At the man’s threat I have to shake my head and shoot down my drink before I have a chance to consider the wisdom of what I am about to do. The liquor burns going down as I accept the familiar tingle that infuses my old bones. It is a noxious potion that will exact a price but oh well… at seventy-five years of age this ain’t my first rodeo. I know the score. Let’s see if these delinquents are as aware. Somehow I doubt it.

None of the scumbag’s cronies notice as I get up off my stool. In fact the only person who notices is the bartender, Miguel. He’s known me since he was a kid and his grandparents ran this cantina. He gives me a quick skittish smile and a shrug and proceeds beyond the heavily reinforced door to the back of the bar. I hear an audible clang as the latch to the door is locked into place. Miguel always was a smart kid.

The situation is getting worse. The whole group is now taunting Bug and a few more weapons have been drawn. Occasional shots are being fired. I am not too worried for Bug’s sake as she is a slippery varmint. Can do pretty much anything in the air and isn’t afraid to tell you about it as she has begun to do so to the increasingly angry mob trying to bring her down out of the rafters.

Bug’s high pitched laugh scorches the ears of those below her as she taunts them with “You stupids no catch Bug. Bug best flyer. Stupids are too slow.” As her voice ramps up in pitch, sounding more and more like the scolding of a hyper-sonic squirrel I know I need to get involved. Bug’s race has a sonic attacked designed to stun these large insect like creatures that are Bug’s people’s native food source and let’s just say it works a dandy on full grown humans too. Maybe I can flank the group and end this before it gets messy.

That was my plan until Bug finally noticed I was here. Her eyes widen. Damn! I put my finger to my lips signaling her to ignore me. Praying for once she does what’s she’s told. Of course God has a funny sense of humor about these things.

“Hey you meanies. Don’t you dare look behind you and see Mr. Cash sneaking up on you. He just an old man and can’t hurt a skreep.” she says this with an exaggerated wink of one of her large eyes to me. I suppose I should give her points for attempting subtlety, a concept her culture is not really familiar with.

The entire group turns to face me. They seems less than impressed. Well at least I’ve got their attention away from Bug and can get a good look at what I am dealing with. Oh goody. Pirates. Bug sure knows how to pick an enemy, though from the looks of things maybe she wasn’t the one doing the choosing this time.

(to be continued)

Nullus Anxietas

A Younger Man’s Game

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” What the hell? Give that back you little thief before I gotta hurt ya.”

I sigh as a tall, gangly man with a scarred face begins yelling at something in the upper corner of the cantina hidden in shadow. The man, who is armed with two nasty looking beam pistols is brandishing a wicked looking knife at the unidentified creature, surrounded by a small group of equally disreputable scum who up until the man’s enraged cry had been playing cards. At his cry the whole cantina became focused on the potential altercation except for one old man sitting on a stool at the bar nursing a shot of something foul and slightly luminescent contemplating a past better left alone. His back is hunched and his long scraggly hair nearly touches the lip of the shot glass as well as obscuring his face. A red bandana is tied around his neck and is tucked under an ill kept beard. He is dressed in a long, faded black duster coat. There is an equally faded black cowboy hat sitting next to him on the bar counter. Leaning next to him is a long, dented metal case. He is an entirely depressing sight to behold. Sadly, the old man is me. My name is William Cash. The commotion does not concern me until I hear the high pitched, sing song reply from the creature in the corner. Damn the luck.

” Bug no thief! Those are Bug’s shinnies! You mean man! Leave Bug alone!”

The creature fires out her retort like a shrill, machine gun. Each word hits me between the eyes. Damn, what is she doing here? I thought I left her behind on the “She’s one of Ours”. the salvage ship which I had until recently been serving on. The name is the Captain’s attempt at subterfuge. She seems to believe it will confuse an enemy. Maybe it could but what do I know? I’m just an old mercenary. Though truthfully I fail to see the humor.

That being said I still am wondering what that little varmint Bug is doing here, several light years away from the ship. You know what? Scratch that. I do know what she’s doing her. She is doing what she does best, get into trouble. As if to prove that point one of the scumbag with the knife’s buddies pulls a pistol and aims it at the corner and fires in the general direction of Bug’s voice. He misses but it causes Bug to fly to a beam over the middle of the room exposing her to view to the distress of the whole cantina.

The cause of the distress is that Bug is a non- human humanoid from deep in uncharted space. There is still quite a bit of xenophobia in the human race ever since the Arathi war some 50 years ago. Even though Bug’s race had nothing to do with it humans just haven’t warmed up to anything outside of the human norm and Bug definitely qualifies as outside the norm.

She stands just under three feet tall and has an almost fey- like essence. She has a long, thick prehensile tail upon which she can balance to make herself look bigger. This she is doing currently. Her arms have natural wings attached at the wrists which allow gliding flight which are currently spread to appear fierce. She wears no clothing but straps designed to hold a myriad of pouches. Though she does have a fine brown fur covering her tough, chitinous skin. The other thing that would catch your eye are the gems. Bug’s people have a strong affinity for gem craft and they always have some placed on their bodies. Which was odd since Bug’s gems weren’t in their usual places but were being held in her hand-like feet. Which brings us back to the scums accusation.

” Give those gems back you freak before we have to get nasty.” The scum yells to Bug with a leer.

(to be continued)

Nullus Anxietas